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Some friends of my mom have a daughter named Riley. Apparently, we used to hang out as kids. She lives in California. She recently contacted me because she wants to move to NY and work at an advertising firm. Here is her e-mail to me:

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Hi Rowen, Apparently we’ve met before. We were little kids I hear, maybe two. Maybe not. But to reintroduce myself, I’m Riley Buttercup (last name changed for privacy protection), and it’s nice to remeet you over this thing. My old man put me in contact with your old lady and they both said you’re in advertising. That’s cool man, so am I…. What’s the story with your company? What kind of stuff do you work on? What, specifically, do you do there? I’m currently a copywriter at an agency (Loomis Group) in San Francisco. I came back from Vietnam about a month ago and they rehired me, which is awesome, but New York is so much more badass, and I’m really trying to move there. To Brooklyn cause it seems reasonable. When? I don’t know exactly. Anyway, just wanted to say hello, learn a bit more about you and your agency, see what’s happening back east. People are different there. Much more open than California. They get into it. Alright, have a good weekend. Hope to hear from you soon. Riley

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Now of course, being the very upbeat and motivational person I am, I absolutely HAD to craft an e-mail that would get her ready for her journey to The Big Apple! Here is my response:

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Sup,

I should start off first by saying my week has been shit, so I apologize in advance for the tone of this e-mail.

I work at BumblebeeAction. We’re the branch of Bumblebee that handles boring shit. Our area of marketing has tons of monikers - none worth mentioning.

I mostly make coupons. Right now I’m redesigning our website. I don’t like the design but my voice counts for just about shit at this place.

There are no designers where I work. You’re either an art director or a copywriter. The art directors don’t really direct anything except their own designs, and the copywriters very rarely went to school for writing and most of them usually talk for hours on end about their ‘backgrounds in art’. There is no logical hierarchy to anything, and the people with talent are so misplaced in the organization of everything that their talents are never really used.

Somehow, I’m an art director. I went to school for graphic design. I don’t direct any art - never been to a photoshoot and never even spoken to an illustrator. After college I expected to just get a job at a restaurant and make terrible music in my room alone with lots and lots of reverb. Somehow I got sucked into this soulless hole of a city. It was probably for money. Seems like the root of most bad decisions. Money or orgasms. Or both.

I don’t like NYC. I live in Brooklyn. I’m surrounded by self-important hipsters. There are cool people here I’m sure, but I can’t find them because there are so many too-cool-for-school people holding up gigantic signs explaining in detail (with plenty of indie film & obscure musical references) why they are so cool. It’s tough to see past all those signs.

I pretty much work about 10 hours a day, never leave my apartment at night, and on the weekends I go to my mom’s house and either fly a kite at the beach or record horrible acoustic music on my mom’s Mac with tons of reverb. If you want, I can send you some. It’s terrible.

If I could give you only one piece of advice, I’d say save your soul. It will be lost in advertising. Travel the world - see things. Go to places you didn’t know existed. Touch trees, breathe fresh air, swim in the oceans.

Or, buy a power suit and get ready for an 8 am presentation on how to better position cat food in PetSmart.

Your call.

Peace & Love,

Asswad